Featured Article
NONVIOLENT
COMMUNICATION
By Robert Gonzales
In talking about Nonviolent Communication to many people I have often gotten the response, “But I’m not violent, why would I need Nonviolent Communication?” In light of this response I would like to clarify and define what “nonviolence” means to me.
It is more than "not being physically violent.” Nonviolence represents a way of being in the world. The two related terms that Ghandi wrote about are the Sanskrit, “ahimsa”, which means “harmlessness” and “satyagraha” which translates as “the force of truth.” So the spirit of nonviolence (ahimsa) means that when I am in contact with any life form my message to that life, in thought, word and deed is, “I will not harm you. I will not violate the integrity of your being.”
I am guided by my awareness of the force of truth (satyagraha) because I sense in the depth of my being that all human beings are only trying to fulfill life-giving, universal values and needs. With this awareness, I know that any form of communication, no matter how hostile, critical or judgmental it seems, is an attempt to express unmet needs, values and desires. When I tune into these needs and values I see only life trying to fulfill itself. I do not see or hear the life alienating images or thoughts, I see and hear only feelings and needs.
About a week after being introduced to the process of Nonviolent Communication a woman I will call Sharon was sharing with me the impact that this form of communication has had on her. She said that for much of her life she has sensed a genuine compassion and caring in her but didn’t know how to express it. She said when she tried to, many times, it just didn’t come out the way she had intended it. People would often interpret her expressions as “needy” or “weakness”. I sensed that she was feeling relief and hope now because she finally had the tools to communicate her genuine caring in a way that people could understand. She said, “Yes, I didn’t think I would ever be able to express myself in a real way and have people hear me without reacting.” I said, “So your need for understanding and acceptance were met?” She replied, “Oh yes! I’m so hopeful now and grateful for being able to communicate with people in a way that we can really see each other.”
How does this process work? NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing on what we are observing, feeling, needing & valuing, and requesting.
The following is a sample dialogue:
Original message:
“You’re so selfish with your time!”
Translating the message into Nonviolent Communication:
Person A: “ When I heard you say that you would not spend time with me I feel hurt because I am needing support and care, would you be willing to spend 10 or 15 minutes talking with me and listening?
[The person clearly stated their observation, feeling and needs, and made a request that would meet the need.]
Another example of a message followed by empathy:
Person A: “You just care about yourself and not other people’s feelings.”
[Empathizing with the message:]
Person B: ”Are you hurt when you heard me say I was tired and wanted to go home instead of being with you because you are needing support and acceptance?”
Person A: “Yes, I know you are tired, but you always seem to be tired. I want to know that you care.”
[continues to empathize without reacting or taking it personally:]
Person B: “So, it sounds like you are impatient hearing me say I am tired, because you would like to know that I value our relationship and want to be with you?”
Person A: “Yes, I want to know that you care. Thank you for understanding.”
Nonviolent Communication consists of two dimensions, the dialogue dimension and the self-connection dimension. The dialogue part includes:
EXPRESSING OURSELVES FULLY AND HONESTLY without blame, criticism or judgment.
LISTENING EMPATHICALLY TO OTHERS without hearing blame or criticism, even if they express themselves in hostile or aggressive ways.
The self-connection dimension is self-empathy. SELF EMPATHY is a way to transform inner pain from self-judgment or criticism into connection with our underlying feelings and needs.
What has been most meaningful to me in learning Nonviolent Communication is the spirit or intent behind the process. It is more than just a communication technique. It is also a way of being in life, a spirituality and a way of being aware of oneself and others. When I relate in this manner to another person (and to myself) it naturally stimulates compassion. When people hear the needs in any message it increases their desire to want to contribute to the needs. Nonviolent Communication offers a spirit and a powerful tool for inspiring compassionate connections with oneself and others.
I feel deep joy and satisfaction when I think about the enhanced quality of people’s lives that Compassionate Communication has contributed to. My value for contributing to life is fulfilled.
“All attacks and criticisms are tragic expressions of unmet needs.”
- Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication
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